I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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