just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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