i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
