I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I want is dick and wine.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
