I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
