rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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