I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
