the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
