is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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