You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
