Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Houston, we have a blender
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
