I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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