if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Congratulations! We have a period
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
