Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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