So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
