im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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