i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
