It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
