I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
