I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
