I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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