I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we should paint friendship bongs
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
