i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
