Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
