I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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