i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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