mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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