next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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