I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
