I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish my penis had a tongue
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
