So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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