She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
