before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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