I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
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Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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