the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
even my farts smell like vagina
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
