You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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