Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
