Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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