Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
