I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
