I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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