please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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