So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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