then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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