ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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