i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
