rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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