that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
