so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
