he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize