The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
