giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
