There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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