You can't motorboat a personality
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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