Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
